Straight to the point

I've talked to a lot of people about my current predicament. What am I supposed to major in? No one can tell me. Only I can be the one to figure that out. No one can tell me what makes me happy. No one can tell me what to decide. No one. At this point, not even me.

I wish I knew what made me happy. I don't, but I have a sincere wish that I did. I hate not having a basic plan. I don't plan for everything. I'm a naturally laid back person and find no need to plan to far ahead. But now I'm thinking about the rest of my life. God, I don't want to have to focus on the rest of my life. I liked being little and not having to worry about it.

I guess I could be all cheesy about it and say something like, "Jesus, take the wheel." But it's really not that simple. I say all the time that I'm just following where God leads. Well, God, the only thing that would make that statement true is if you told me where to go. I can't follow where no one is leading. Sure you may be subtly leading me somewhere and I just haven't realized it but could you be a little more blunt about it I'm not always very quick on the uptake.

God, I've been told to ask you for vulnerability. I'm not asking now. I'm not ready to be vulnerable, not even with you. I'm just letting you know that, one day, I will probably ask for it. I expect you to give me what I ask. I think the ability to be vulnerable is essential to relationship formation. I not only want a closer relationship to you, but I'd kinda like to have closer relationships with my fellow humans as well.

I know the other day was Chad's anniversary. Sorry I forgot. I really didn't mean to. I loved him you know. I was very upset with you for taking him away from me. I guess it was probably for the best but that doesn't make it any easier. I think about him sometimes. I try to focus on the good that was in him. He was a good father, a good brother, and, on occasion, a pretty decent guy all around. It's a shame he died so young.

I guess you had a plan though. You know what you're doing and what's best for us. I hope you're leading me in the right direction even if I don't see you actually doing any definite leading. I pray that everything will work out exactly as it's meant to. God, don't always give me what I ask for. I don't deserve it. I know I ask for a lot of things that I think will make me happy. God, I ask that you lead me where you know I'll be happy and not where I think I'll be happy. That may not make sense but I know you know what I mean.

Your loving and rarely faithful friend,

Traci