Stupid Money!

God, why when I feel my life is going spectacularly well does something have to come along and completely screw me over? It's not like I wasn't stressed enough. My family is going through hell right now and you've got to throw more financial crap at me. Thank you! I truly appreciate it!

It's not like I can't handle it. I've already proven I can handle it. But I'm sick of having to handle it. I'm tired of being worried all the time about how everything is going to work out. All I want is to be stress free. I don't even care if it's only for like a week. I would love to not worry for a week, it would be a fantastic vacation.

I just don't know what to do. I had all the financial aid stuff planned out. It was going to work perfectly and then the stupid thing said I can't do what I planned to do. I just got a job and I'm finally getting money to pay for my enormous college bill. So what do you do? You make the bill bigger. I don't see why that was such a good plan. I was actually hoping for a smaller bill.

I know life isn't supposed to be easy and I don't deserve any breaks but I'm tired. God, you need to know that I love you and I'm going to try my hardest to stay on your path, but you've got to know, eventually I'm going to give up. If it just keeps getting more difficult I won't be able to handle it. I'm going to die from being so stressed all the time. And I put on this strong face so no one will ever know.

Everyone thinks I handle everything so well. Truth is, I just store it away till I'm alone and then I freak out. Like right now for instance. I'm completely and totally freaking out. I have less than a week to work all this crap out. Please let it work out. God, if I'm meant to be here it's gotta work out. I love it here and if it doesn't work out I'm going to be pissed. So do what you can for me. I would greatly appreciate it.

Your loving though rarely faithful friend,

Traci

Getting Impatient

So I was reading this thing online today about how some people are gifted with singleness. Please, tell me what that means. In 1 Corinthians it talks about how being single is a good thing. I don't doubt that it's a great thing. A single person is more able to freely pursue you, God. So I can see why it could be a highly valued state in life.

A lot has been going on in people's relationships. Not mine, as you know, I don't have any. Not that I'm bitter or anything. I watch the relationships that other people have and I find myself becoming jealous. These aren't feelings I'm used to and I can't say that I'm enjoying them. I'm so used to being home and helping other people work on their dysfunctional relationships. Now that I see that a relationship can actually bring happiness I find myself being curious and craving that same happiness I see around me.

God, did you give me the gift of singleness. I'm fiercely independent and I've done well on my own up till now. I think about future relationships and, although I want one from the bottom of my heart, I don't actually see one coming to pass in my future. I can see a lot of my dreams coming true in my future, except that one. It's the one dream I can't even imagine.

I think it's mostly about me. I don't see myself being able to rely on someone else in that way. I can't see myself being very emotionally available in a relationship. I think there are just things in my character that wouldn't work out. It breaks my heart to say it but I truly believe it.

I hope I'm wrong, God. I hope that somewhere out there is a guy who'll be the perfect match for me. God, I don't mean to be impatient but if I could meet him soon I would greatly appreciate it. Not that I'm looking for a relationship of any sort but I think it would make a difference in my life and my happiness if one came along. Please, God, if nothing else don't let me be single forever. I understand its importance and that it's a good thing but I'm tired of it and I'm ready for something new.

Your loving though rarely faithful friend,

Traci

Why Me?

Do I really make a difference? I like to think I'm this great person that makes such a big impact, but do I really? What if I had gotten what I wanted? What if I wasn't here anymore? I don't know if anyone's life would have been too terribly affected. But, God, would the world really be that different of a place if I wasn't here?

Maybe it would. I know Deer Lodge would sure be whole lot different for some. I'm not really a big impact kinda person. I'm easily forgotten, so to speak. I don't enjoy being this way but I am, and I can't change that. I like to be relied on and I like to be the one to listen when no one else cares. I like to be the shoulder to cry on. I like to be the one that everyone can count on when things get rough. Sadly, I don't broadcast my services so I don't provide them to very many people. But those few people I do those things for would be pretty affected, wouldn't they?

What if I was never here at all? I can't even imagine what life would have been like for some people if I'd never existed. My family would have been drastically different and not in a good way. I saved lives. Not by being a great person but just by being born I gave some people hope that maybe the world wasn't all that terrible. Maybe I'm here for those people. Maybe that's what I'm meant for. Maybe, just maybe, I'm here to give people hope.

I've been through stuff. I don't like to dwell on it. I've made mistakes and I've encountered some pretty life-changing moments. But through all of that crap I'm still here and I have some hope still in me. I'm not big on sharing my life with people but maybe that's why I went through everything so that when I tell people they'll see it's possible to make it through all the stupid stuff that life is continuously throwing at us. Maybe that's my calling.

God, there's almost 7 billion people on earth. How can I make an impact? How do you expect me to step up and make a stand? I get nervous making a speech in front of 20 people. I could never get up in front of hundreds of people. I can't be the radical person you want me to be. I can't be the strong leader you need. God, I can only be me and I don't think I'm good enough for what you need. I can't bring hope to the world, no matter how good that sounds.

But, God, for right now I'll make you a compromise. I don't think I can bring hope to the world. I don't think I can make a stand in your name. Well, you have the rest of my life to prove me wrong. Right now, I can't do it, that's guaranteed. But I do promise to try to bring hope to MY world. It's a tad smaller than the world as a whole but it's all I can handle right now. I can't promise that it'll do any good, but I can promise that I'll try my hardest. For you and myself.

Your loving though rarely faithful friend,

Traci

Doubts

Why am I still here? I know that you apparently have this big purpose for everything. All I keep hearing is that you have such big plans for my life. What are the freaking plans? Give me a hint! Give me a sign! Give me something to go on!!!

I doubt you God. I guess this is probably a big flaw of mine. I've gone so far as to even doubt your existence. You never answer me and I never feel you, so really, what do you expect? I know you're there. You have to be. There are just some things in my life that couldn't be explained without you. So why don't you dispel my doubts? Why am I still so unsure? Why can't I feel you with me anymore?

It's me. For some reason I can't let you in. I don't even know how to fix this problem. Praying feels futile because I feel like I'm talking to nothing. You may be listening but how am I supposed to know that. I lost my faith. God, I need my faith. There are things I can't do on my own. I can't handle it without you. So where are you? Where were you when Chad died? Where were you that morning? Where are you now?

I'm just full of questions. I don't expect answers. I stopped expecting awhile ago. It doesn't mean I stopped asking. I'm incapable of not asking. I just no longer wait for a response. You can only sit in so many dark rooms waiting for an answer before you lose hope that one is coming. God, I plan on writing a letter a day. It's my prayer time with you. I'm not expecting answers. I'm hoping for answers, but I don't expect them.

God, give me a reason to not doubt you. I'm not giving you an ultimatum but God, I just need to know you're there and that I matter in the grand scheme of things. It doesn't have to be anything huge. I need to have faith again God, and I need you to help me get it back.

Your loving though rarely faithful friend,

Traci

On Their Behalf

I know I ask for a lot. I realize that it's got to get pretty annoying. You have almost 7 billion people constantly making requests. I would get annoyed. I guess that's why I'm not God. They say patience is a virtue, I guess I see why. You've heard this request before, lots of times. I'm asking for some financial help God. But this time it's not for myself. You know I could always use some extra cash, but for now I'm doing okay. I'm asking you to help my mom.

They found mold in the attic. There's mold because there are holes in the roof. Great right? Just one more thing goes wrong in the life of the Bauman family. I'm not asking for pity or anything. We don't need it, nor would we very kindly receive it. I'm asking for an intervention of sorts. God, please make everything work out better for my family. I'm not there anymore. I can't take care of them. I've gotta do my own stuff. I have to start my life. So where I can't be for them, I ask you to take my place.

I realize that you would be there anyways. I know it's futile asking you to take my place because you should already have a place in my family. But I've met my family and I know that you don't really have a place. Your place has been filled with "worldly" things. I hate to say it but we both know it's true.

I try to pray for my mom but I'm almost starting to think it's a lost cause. She's improved a lot in the last few years. I'm worried she doesn't know you like she used to. I'm worried that she doesn't remember you love her and that you're going to take care of everything. I would remind her but those conversations usually don't end well for me.

God, just take care of them. Take care of the new baby and my nephew. Take care of Brooke, don't let her hit anymore deer on the highway. She thinks you're trying to kill her and you should probably let her know you're not. If you were she wouldn't be here right now. Keep them safe God, no matter what difficulties come their way. Give them comfort in their time of need and just let them know you love them. I would really appreciate it.

Your loving though rarely faithful friend,

Traci

Straight to the point

I've talked to a lot of people about my current predicament. What am I supposed to major in? No one can tell me. Only I can be the one to figure that out. No one can tell me what makes me happy. No one can tell me what to decide. No one. At this point, not even me.

I wish I knew what made me happy. I don't, but I have a sincere wish that I did. I hate not having a basic plan. I don't plan for everything. I'm a naturally laid back person and find no need to plan to far ahead. But now I'm thinking about the rest of my life. God, I don't want to have to focus on the rest of my life. I liked being little and not having to worry about it.

I guess I could be all cheesy about it and say something like, "Jesus, take the wheel." But it's really not that simple. I say all the time that I'm just following where God leads. Well, God, the only thing that would make that statement true is if you told me where to go. I can't follow where no one is leading. Sure you may be subtly leading me somewhere and I just haven't realized it but could you be a little more blunt about it I'm not always very quick on the uptake.

God, I've been told to ask you for vulnerability. I'm not asking now. I'm not ready to be vulnerable, not even with you. I'm just letting you know that, one day, I will probably ask for it. I expect you to give me what I ask. I think the ability to be vulnerable is essential to relationship formation. I not only want a closer relationship to you, but I'd kinda like to have closer relationships with my fellow humans as well.

I know the other day was Chad's anniversary. Sorry I forgot. I really didn't mean to. I loved him you know. I was very upset with you for taking him away from me. I guess it was probably for the best but that doesn't make it any easier. I think about him sometimes. I try to focus on the good that was in him. He was a good father, a good brother, and, on occasion, a pretty decent guy all around. It's a shame he died so young.

I guess you had a plan though. You know what you're doing and what's best for us. I hope you're leading me in the right direction even if I don't see you actually doing any definite leading. I pray that everything will work out exactly as it's meant to. God, don't always give me what I ask for. I don't deserve it. I know I ask for a lot of things that I think will make me happy. God, I ask that you lead me where you know I'll be happy and not where I think I'll be happy. That may not make sense but I know you know what I mean.

Your loving and rarely faithful friend,

Traci

Dear God,

You are a mean, vindictive deity. Well, at least, I used to think that way. I still do sometimes I'm not gonna lie. As I remember back through my own history, I find myself just looking at the ceiling asking, "WHY?" I get that I live in a fallen world and that evil is an ever present thing. But God, I'm constantly irritated with some of the turns my life has taken. Don't get wrong it has the potential to be awesome, and a lot of times it's pretty grand, but then it goes downhill.

It's become a perpetual cycle. I get that everyone has their ups and downs, but I've come to expect the downs far more often than the ups. I feel like every time I try to climb up that mountain to the happiness at the top something always kicks me back down. And while some people are able to regain their balance and continue climbing I always end up falling all the way down and crashing and burning into the open chasm below.

Even when my life is going fantastically well, I find myself waiting to get knocked back down the mountain. I know this is not how you intended me to be. I feel as though you have bigger and better plans in mind. I'm also aware that most of this crashing and burning could have been avoided had I just relinquished control to you upon initial impact. But, God, I'm stubborn and you know I like to try to work out my issues myself and then when I fail miserably and only succeed at making it worse, I come to you because I'm completely out of options. LIke I said, I probably haven't turned out quite the way you wanted me.

I knew there would be stumbling blocks in my life. I pride myself on the fact that no matter how big the stumbling block was, I still managed to climb over it. I came out with some bruises and more than my fair share of issues, but at least I came out alive with most of my sanity. God, you let me go through those things for a reason. I have to believe that you have something better planned for my life. Because if surviving all the crap that's been piling up in my life for the last two decades has been in vain, than I beg you to take me away now.

God, I don't trust you. It's not that I don't want to, cause I truly do. Please don't take it personally cause I don't trust anyone. To a certain extent I trust some people, but never fully. I don't even trust myself all that much to be perfectly honest with you. It's something I'm working on and I'll probably need a lot of help with that one so if you could provide me some assistance in learning how to trust that would be fantastic.

I really wish I could trust you enough to let you take the reigns of the chaotic stress that is my life. I think that would make my life so much more enjoyable and, if not, at least I'd have some sense of security knowing that someone wiser than me was in control of my life. But I'm finding it's hard to relinquish control to someone you don't trust. Especially when you don't know where you'll end up.

I think that in order to be able to follow you better I need to know where I'm going. I don't like going into things blind. I want to have some notion of what to expect. You probably hear this a lot. I understand why you don't tell people what exactly they are supposed to do. I'm not asking for the play-by-play of my life over the next 20 years. I'm only asking to know what happens next. Where do I go from here? Am I in the right place by being at Vanguard? What exactly am I supposed to be majoring in? Where is my life going?

You probably won't tell me. You have a nasty habit of not responding when I ask you things. Either that or I have a nasty habit of not listening, that's probably the more honest answer. So, God, I guess I'm just asking for help. I'm all out of plays. If ever you've had a chance to break me down, it would be now. I'm ready to follow.

Your loving though rarely faithful friend,
Traci