It's become a perpetual cycle. I get that everyone has their ups and downs, but I've come to expect the downs far more often than the ups. I feel like every time I try to climb up that mountain to the happiness at the top something always kicks me back down. And while some people are able to regain their balance and continue climbing I always end up falling all the way down and crashing and burning into the open chasm below.
Even when my life is going fantastically well, I find myself waiting to get knocked back down the mountain. I know this is not how you intended me to be. I feel as though you have bigger and better plans in mind. I'm also aware that most of this crashing and burning could have been avoided had I just relinquished control to you upon initial impact. But, God, I'm stubborn and you know I like to try to work out my issues myself and then when I fail miserably and only succeed at making it worse, I come to you because I'm completely out of options. LIke I said, I probably haven't turned out quite the way you wanted me.
I knew there would be stumbling blocks in my life. I pride myself on the fact that no matter how big the stumbling block was, I still managed to climb over it. I came out with some bruises and more than my fair share of issues, but at least I came out alive with most of my sanity. God, you let me go through those things for a reason. I have to believe that you have something better planned for my life. Because if surviving all the crap that's been piling up in my life for the last two decades has been in vain, than I beg you to take me away now.
God, I don't trust you. It's not that I don't want to, cause I truly do. Please don't take it personally cause I don't trust anyone. To a certain extent I trust some people, but never fully. I don't even trust myself all that much to be perfectly honest with you. It's something I'm working on and I'll probably need a lot of help with that one so if you could provide me some assistance in learning how to trust that would be fantastic.
I really wish I could trust you enough to let you take the reigns of the chaotic stress that is my life. I think that would make my life so much more enjoyable and, if not, at least I'd have some sense of security knowing that someone wiser than me was in control of my life. But I'm finding it's hard to relinquish control to someone you don't trust. Especially when you don't know where you'll end up.
I think that in order to be able to follow you better I need to know where I'm going. I don't like going into things blind. I want to have some notion of what to expect. You probably hear this a lot. I understand why you don't tell people what exactly they are supposed to do. I'm not asking for the play-by-play of my life over the next 20 years. I'm only asking to know what happens next. Where do I go from here? Am I in the right place by being at Vanguard? What exactly am I supposed to be majoring in? Where is my life going?
You probably won't tell me. You have a nasty habit of not responding when I ask you things. Either that or I have a nasty habit of not listening, that's probably the more honest answer. So, God, I guess I'm just asking for help. I'm all out of plays. If ever you've had a chance to break me down, it would be now. I'm ready to follow.
Your loving though rarely faithful friend,
Traci
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