Doubts

Why am I still here? I know that you apparently have this big purpose for everything. All I keep hearing is that you have such big plans for my life. What are the freaking plans? Give me a hint! Give me a sign! Give me something to go on!!!

I doubt you God. I guess this is probably a big flaw of mine. I've gone so far as to even doubt your existence. You never answer me and I never feel you, so really, what do you expect? I know you're there. You have to be. There are just some things in my life that couldn't be explained without you. So why don't you dispel my doubts? Why am I still so unsure? Why can't I feel you with me anymore?

It's me. For some reason I can't let you in. I don't even know how to fix this problem. Praying feels futile because I feel like I'm talking to nothing. You may be listening but how am I supposed to know that. I lost my faith. God, I need my faith. There are things I can't do on my own. I can't handle it without you. So where are you? Where were you when Chad died? Where were you that morning? Where are you now?

I'm just full of questions. I don't expect answers. I stopped expecting awhile ago. It doesn't mean I stopped asking. I'm incapable of not asking. I just no longer wait for a response. You can only sit in so many dark rooms waiting for an answer before you lose hope that one is coming. God, I plan on writing a letter a day. It's my prayer time with you. I'm not expecting answers. I'm hoping for answers, but I don't expect them.

God, give me a reason to not doubt you. I'm not giving you an ultimatum but God, I just need to know you're there and that I matter in the grand scheme of things. It doesn't have to be anything huge. I need to have faith again God, and I need you to help me get it back.

Your loving though rarely faithful friend,

Traci