Why Me?

Do I really make a difference? I like to think I'm this great person that makes such a big impact, but do I really? What if I had gotten what I wanted? What if I wasn't here anymore? I don't know if anyone's life would have been too terribly affected. But, God, would the world really be that different of a place if I wasn't here?

Maybe it would. I know Deer Lodge would sure be whole lot different for some. I'm not really a big impact kinda person. I'm easily forgotten, so to speak. I don't enjoy being this way but I am, and I can't change that. I like to be relied on and I like to be the one to listen when no one else cares. I like to be the shoulder to cry on. I like to be the one that everyone can count on when things get rough. Sadly, I don't broadcast my services so I don't provide them to very many people. But those few people I do those things for would be pretty affected, wouldn't they?

What if I was never here at all? I can't even imagine what life would have been like for some people if I'd never existed. My family would have been drastically different and not in a good way. I saved lives. Not by being a great person but just by being born I gave some people hope that maybe the world wasn't all that terrible. Maybe I'm here for those people. Maybe that's what I'm meant for. Maybe, just maybe, I'm here to give people hope.

I've been through stuff. I don't like to dwell on it. I've made mistakes and I've encountered some pretty life-changing moments. But through all of that crap I'm still here and I have some hope still in me. I'm not big on sharing my life with people but maybe that's why I went through everything so that when I tell people they'll see it's possible to make it through all the stupid stuff that life is continuously throwing at us. Maybe that's my calling.

God, there's almost 7 billion people on earth. How can I make an impact? How do you expect me to step up and make a stand? I get nervous making a speech in front of 20 people. I could never get up in front of hundreds of people. I can't be the radical person you want me to be. I can't be the strong leader you need. God, I can only be me and I don't think I'm good enough for what you need. I can't bring hope to the world, no matter how good that sounds.

But, God, for right now I'll make you a compromise. I don't think I can bring hope to the world. I don't think I can make a stand in your name. Well, you have the rest of my life to prove me wrong. Right now, I can't do it, that's guaranteed. But I do promise to try to bring hope to MY world. It's a tad smaller than the world as a whole but it's all I can handle right now. I can't promise that it'll do any good, but I can promise that I'll try my hardest. For you and myself.

Your loving though rarely faithful friend,

Traci